Grief Isn't a Checklist: Why Your Healing Journey Is Uniquely Yours
Many of us have encountered the famous "Five Stages of Grief" in books, therapy sessions, or well-meaning conversations. This framework—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—has become our cultural shorthand for understanding loss. It offers the comforting illusion that grief follows a predictable path with a clear destination.
But in my time supporting clients through loss, I've witnessed something quite different. Grief doesn't follow a neat roadmap. It's not a series of checkpoints to navigate before reaching "closure." Instead, grief is as unique and complex as the relationship you shared with your loved one.
The Kübler-Ross Misunderstanding
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross made remarkable contributions to how we understand death and dying. Her work gave voice to those facing terminal illness and transformed end-of-life care. However, there's an important distinction that's often overlooked: the five stages she identified were based on her observations of people confronting their own mortality—not those grieving the loss of someone else.
Over time, this framework was applied to bereavement, creating expectations about how grief "should" unfold. Even Kübler-Ross later clarified that grief doesn't follow these stages in a linear fashion, yet the notion of structured grief had already taken root in our collective understanding.
The True Nature of Grief
Grief resembles waves more than steps. Some days bring a gentle tide of memories you can wade through. Other days, without warning, grief crashes over you with breathtaking force—perhaps triggered by a song, a scent, or nothing at all.
This unpredictability isn't a sign that you're grieving "incorrectly." It's simply the nature of loss.
You might experience profound acceptance in the morning and find yourself overwhelmed by sadness by evening. You might laugh at cherished memories while tears stream down your face. You might never experience anger, or you might revisit bargaining years after your loss. All of these experiences reflect the complexity of your connection to what's been lost.
A More Compassionate Framework
When we release the expectation of orderly stages, we create space for authentic healing. Consider these truths about grief:
Grief moves in cycles, not lines. It ebbs and flows, sometimes revisiting emotions you thought were resolved.
Your grief timeline belongs to you alone. Whether it's been months or years, your feelings remain valid.
Joy and grief often coexist. Finding happiness doesn't mean you've "moved on" from your loss—it means you're learning to carry both experiences.
Grief transforms over time. Rather than disappearing, it becomes integrated into who you are, changing shape as you grow around it.
Finding Your Way Forward
If you've ever felt you were "failing" at grief because your experience didn't match a prescribed pattern, I hope this offers reassurance. Your unique grief journey honors the singular bond you shared with your loved one.
Grief isn't something to overcome or complete—it's a reflection of your relationship that continues even when someone is gone. The messy, non-linear nature of your grief isn't wrong. It's deeply human.
At EWB Counseling, I create space for all the complex emotions that accompany loss. Together, we can honor your individual experience and discover meaningful ways to carry your grief, not as a burden, but as a testament to the relationship you treasure.
P.S. If you're curious about how our understanding of grief has evolved and learn more about Elilzabeth Kubler Ross’ work, check out a RadioLab episode "The Queen of Dying." It's truly fascinating.
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